Day: April 25, 2005

Wonder of Wonders

To be honest, a large part of me had never thought that this day would come. I can honestly say that I am engaged to the most wonderful person I have had the pleasure of getting to know.

I’ve spent much of my life feeling detached and inferior to those around me, unworthy of occupying the same space and time. It’s taken me quite a few years, but for the last three or so I’ve been feeling more like a person. I wouldn’t call what I was before that an actual person, since that requires some sense of equality with other moral thinking beings, and I certainly wasn’t feeling equal to anyone.

Sometimes I find myself reverting to that former thought pattern, but the funny thing is that I have grown enough since then to be able to dismiss those thoughts for what they are: fleeting doubts. It does nothing for my self-worth to encourage the belief that I am not worthy of things that other people have.

Even writing this is a bit of a regression, though a parting one. I do not want to spend the rest of my life wondering if I should have the things I do. I do not mean this in any materialistic way. Those things don’t matter. But personal relationships do.

I am very much deserving of having friends, a husband, a family. These things are not something that can belong only to the privileged few. They are mine, or can be mine. I have plenty of family. For all the grief they cause, sometimes I wish I didn’t, but at the same time my life would be pretty empty without them.

Something I learned as a child always comes back to me when thinking about this. The only reason why I am bothered so much by my family is because I care about them. I really do. They don’t need to be around, or talk to me much, or care what I do even. Just knowing they are in bad situations or doing stupid things makes me frustrated or angry because I do care what happens to these people. I love them or I would be indifferent to their situations.

With that out of the way, I am starting to realize that finding the love of my life and knowing that he loves me just as much as I love him, that he wants to be with me for the rest of our lives, this is something I can allow myself to have and cherish. I look forward to waking every day because of the prospect of being with him. No matter how bad things seem they can always be dealt with. The knowledge that someone supports me and is with me in such things makes life so much better.

To be honest, I always expected to spend my life alone. Partially because I thought I didn’t deserve to be with anyone else, but also because I believed that no one would want to be with me. After accepting this, I decided that the only person I had to live for was myself.

This is important, because it was this belief of being alone, of only having myself to depend on, which actually enabled me to begin trusting myself, and acquiring the strength to continue on my own. I would not be here today without this.

I understand that this is rambling all over the place, but basically I am trying to explain how that lost and lonely person became able to become the one I am today.


Muppet Socks!

I really like these. These were a product of a very long and stressful bus trip. I brought the travelling yarn bag and decided to start another pair of socks. I had left my fuzzy yarn from the hat and scarf I made in there, and so I started the ribbing with that rather than adding it at the end. It’s truly part of the actual body of the sock, rather than being simple embellishment.

[By the way, one of these days I’ll remember to post a picture of said hat and scarf, though it’ll probably be a while.]

I have a lot of yellow sock yarn kicking around. I guess it was on sale and my sister liked the colour, because I got a package in the mail full of maybe nine balls of yellow and one orange. Since I decided to see how it knit up, it was next to be added. As well, I am finally experimenting with switching colours, and ways of better attaching them to keep projects from coming apart. Using two types of yarn in distinctly different colours was a good way to learn, I thought.

To continue that thought, I used most of what was left of the pink from the Inverse Socks to emphasize the toes and heels on these socks. The short row heels are comfortable, but I’ve yet to find out how well they wear. In any case, these socks were the product of several experiments and a couple of frogging sessions, but I think overall they turned out to be something fun to look at and wear.

The name is because they remind me so much of a muppet. I’m not sure if there is actually a muppet with this colour scheme, but it just seems so much to resemble the way they look. I think these shall be my sandal socks. [Yes, I know, the scandal!]


Functional Products

It’s been a while since I made something just for its functional purpose, rather than because I was trying a new technique or look. So I got bored and made some dishcloths. The first few were just average square ones, in that weird tan colour since my mom had it hanging around in her stash. The round ones I made when I got to the point where I did want to try something new.

I’ve been fascinated by that black-flecked white cotton for a while now, and finally caved and made a dishcloth out of that too. Since I made the first ones in February I recently (roughly a couple weeks ago, this post is after-the-fact) decided to see if I could make another from memory. It turned out quite nice I think.

I left a few of the tan ones in the kitchen. The flatmates pretty much ignored them, though one of them did (seemingly accidentally) get tossed in the trash. The other one has yet to be used. I am saving it as a housewarming gift for the new flatmates when I move at the end of the week. It can then be broken in properly.

I still have some more of the cotton hanging around, so I think I may make another one. I like the way that turned out and it would be nice to have a couple to rotate while the others are being laundered.