Mental sorting…of a sort

Sometimes I have my doubts. Not that Dean isn’t the right one for me, but that I am the right one for him. More specifically, that I won’t be as good a person for him as he is for me. It’s cliched, but he is the best thing to happen to me. He’s the best person I know.

I’m feeling useless again. I don’t have a job and I do things around the house constantly to make up for it. So that I can feel like something I do matters, that I am in some way needed and pulling my weight.

I want a job. But at the same time, at this point in the summer, I kinda don’t. It wouldn’t last very long. There’s only a few weeks before I go home to visit so I doubt anyone would want to hire me knowing that I’d work a couple weeks, then be gone for 9 days, work another couple weeks and then quit for school.

I can’t keep a job while school is in. I just can’t. I am shitty with time management and there’s no way that I would be able to keep up with school work. Not to mention the fact that I want to do more than keep up. I am aiming for the As. I’ve always been capapble of them. I should be able to get them now when I need them.

I worry about my health now though. The fainting isn’t bothersome. What it could mean is. I don’t like feeling all weak and nauseated afterwards either. Especially since it seems to last until after I sleep. If it can and does happen during school I won’t be able to get work done feeling like crap, but sleeping will use time that I should be spending studying. What’s worse is if I faint in class. I doubt anyone around will know what to do. It will disrupt class, I’d have to leave, and I’d miss the rest of the lecture.

These are annoying what-ifs and I hate doing that. Thinking like that. But the thoughts are there anyway. I am worrying about this stuff and I can’t keep pretending that I’m not.

I want to go home. I mean, I really want to go home. I try not to think about it too much because the thought that it’s still weeks away almost makes me cry. I don’t like that it bothers me that much, but I’d feel worse if it didn’t. I love my family. I love spending time with my family. I didn’t realize how much I took that for granted until I couldn’t anymore.

I miss being around them all the time. My brother is funny with his jokes and his pranks. We do stuff together. I take the time to listen and understand instead of dismissing and judging like the rest do. My sister is cool. I admire her. She’ll at least say what she’s thinking. She has a lot of talent and a great outlook. She’s stubborn. Whatever she decides to do, I know she’ll do it.

I miss my dad’s rants on everything. A lot of the time they are redundant and don’t make sense, but they are amusing and it’s something that he does. I miss just hanging out with my mom. A lot of people would be bothered by the fact that we do that, and of the opinion that she should be mothering us instead of being our friend. I’d much rather have her the way she is. I’ve been mothered and raised quite well, even with my mom being more of a friend than that.

I won’t try to make out that our relationship has always been this way. For much of my life she was dictatorial and demanding. I was more taking care of her. I still resent that sometimes. But I do realize that since I moved out a lot has changed and she is not the person she was. Having her children moving out, having relationships and jobs, getting lives separate from hers, has made her more understanding and lenient towards us. Instead of being locked out for not washing the dishes fast enough, she realizes that someone with three jobs and school doesn’t have time to babysit the sink and will do them when she gets a chance. It’s a much better situation all around.

I’m worried about the money crunch that will be September. I’m thinking the best thing for me to do would be to go to the Financial Aid office and apply for a 90-day loan. Just to make sure that I have the rent money for September, and for food and bills for this last month or so. Books too. It seems to be the best way to go if I can get it, since I can pay it back at the end of September when I get my OSAP. Plus what little money that I have now can be used to pay the 10% tuition fee.

I don’t know anymore. I have faith that things’ll all work out, but I’m not sure why. I don’t know how that’s supposed to happen, or why I believe that it will. I don’t know what I have faith in. But it’s there. It’s a certainty that no matter what I will get through it and things will be okay on the other side.